The Patsy Dilemma

In the year of our lord 2022, Thirty-two-year-old Boone Perry began his incarceration at the Bibb Correctional Facility in Brent, Alabama, AIS# xxxxxx. He was not a very smart man. On a scale of one to ten, one being the least intelligent, old Boone would come in at number two. As unfortunate as that sounds, he simply did not get his full ration of smarts at birth. And he did absolutely nothing to correct that as he grew older.

What he did to get incarcerated would have been easily avoidable had he rated just a smidgen higher on the intelligence scale. But he didn’t, and he walked right into a dilemma made for a patsy. For it to make any sense at all, we need to start from the beginning in order to put you, the reader, in the same state of mind he was in when he did what he did to get himself arrested.

Boone Jedidiah Perry entered this world on May 12, 1990, to the proud parents, Joe Don Perry and Sally Mae Thom. If the Jedidiah part of that name sounds strange, it is, but let’s move on. That first slap on the cheeks didn’t phase little Boone. He laughed it off, looked around the room, and thought, “Cool, now what?”

Joe Don and Sally Mae lived in a mobile home park over in Irondale, a suburb of Birmingham, AL. Boone was the fourth addition to the family, taking his place among Joe Eddie, Joe Ford, and Joe Glen. Sally Mae was adamant she would not name their fourth child, another dang boy, Joe. She’d had enough Joe’s.

“Dang-it, Joe Don, I ain’t naming one more rug rat, Joe. And that’s that,” she proclaimed.

The first name that rolled off her lips was Boone, and that’s what she went with, mainly because she knew it stuck in Joe Don’s craw. She hoped that by naming him something different, he’d grow up to differ from her other idiot Joe’s. He did, but not in the way she envisioned.

Now old Joe Don and Sally Mae were not model parents. They weren’t terrible parents. They were just getting a little worn out with so many kids. To hear Joe Don tell it, “Sally Mae just always seemed to git herself pregnant.” With three little Joe’s and a Boone running around, life was never boring in the Perry household.

Things got interesting as the last of the clan entered grade school. The first three made names for themselves as little bullies. You know, extorting lunch money, making kids do their homework, general crap like that. They expected Boone to follow in their footsteps, but he wasn’t having it. Boone was a thinker, and he didn’t need no stinkin’ drama. He was all about information, and getting as much of it as he could. He wanted to be the one in the know.

In high school, Boone gained a reputation as a lurker, which sort of translated into nerd. He’d hide in the shadows, eavesdropping on conversations, gathering dirt he could use to his advantage. He was a stain on the family name and his brothers didn’t like it. Neither did Joe Don, who, by god, wasn’t raising no nerd. He sat Boone down at the kitchen table one evening and told him flat out, “Get your crap together, son, or get out. The Perry’s don’t cotton to no nerds.” Boone got out, and thus his life began anew.

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The Janess family was preparing to head out to the airport for a planned vacation. They lived in the affluent Crestwood South neighborhood in Birmingham. All packed and ready, they waited for a taxi to arrive. They were going to spend a couple of weeks in Honolulu.

They had been eyeballing the house and the surrounding area for weeks, while waiting for the Janesses to leave on vacation. Mike Tavers and Sloan Peters were local, small-time burglars, among small-time other things. They intended to rob the Janess’ house as soon as they left for their vacation. They watched as the taxi pulled up. Watched the Janesses load up their stuff. And then watched as the taxi pulled away. They were practically salivating at finally getting a chance at the house they’d wanted to hit for like forever.

But then they saw some yokel crawling around their prize, acting as if he wanted to break in as well. Mike’s blood boiled with rage and he took off after the intruder.

“Hey! You, jagoff, what are you doing over there?” Mike yelled as if he owned the place.

Startled, the prowler took off running. But not before Mike got a good look at him. Just then, he saw a police car headed down the street. He was out in the open and didn’t dare take off running. The patrol car pulled up next to him. An officer rolled his window down and asked Mike if he’d seen anything suspicious in the neighborhood.

“No sir, all’s fine here,” Mike answered as if he was a resident of the community.

“Okay, then. Have a nice, sir,” the officer responded as he pulled away.

Mike gave himself a mental pat on the back, as his interactions with police had always been under much different circumstances. When he got back to his car, he told Sloan their old friend Boone was up to his stupid tricks again. Sloan really had a special hatred for Boone and had wanted to teach him a lesson for some time.

When Boone stormed out of his father’s home a couple of years earlier, he had no place to go, never finished high school, and had no idea what he’d do after leaving. It was inevitable he’d turn to hustling, and other petty crime. His nemesis was, in his words, “that bimbo Sloan Peters.” He hated her almost as much as she hated him. Why? Because he thought he was better than her. She thought she was better than him, and they both were desperate fools trying to one up each other. It all really came down to who could out idiot the other. She went first.

She saw Boone at a Publix over on 3rd St. and told a manager she saw him stuffing things in his pockets. The manager alerted a security guard, and he gave Boone the riot act right in the middle of the crowded store. Boone knew it was Sloan who made up the story to embarrass him.

“Fine!” he thought, “My turn.”

Sloan was eating at a McDonalds on 15th St. Boone knew she’d be there and had a buddy distract her as he slipped a Joro spider under her burger bun. He thoroughly enjoyed her freak out when she turned back around and saw her bun moving away from the burger.

Things went on like that for a couple of weeks and both had just about had enough of the silliness. They called a truce and agreed to stay away from each other. That worked fine for a while, but Sloan never forgave him for the spider prank. Every time she got a visual of what it might have been like to bite down into the gooey middle of that spider, it made her blood boil. She couldn’t forgive him for that one and vowed to make him pay, but then talked herself out of it.

“Let bygones be bygones,” she thought.

And then idiot Boone just couldn’t help himself and escalated things to a level that came with real-world consequences. He had crossed a line and his antics were no longer silly little pranks.

Sloan was trying to put her life back together and someone finally offered her a chance to get a legitimate job. Having no education and a rap sheet, the opportunity was a major moment in her life. She looked forward to the interview that the hiring manager had all but assured her she’d be his choice. Old “eavesdropping” Boone found out about it and hatched a plan to ensure the deal wouldn’t go through.

On the day of the interview, Sloan got as dressed up as she could and met the manager at the scheduled time. Everything was going well and for the first time in a long time she was sober, and genuinely felt good about herself. Suddenly, a couple of police officers showed up and placed her under arrest for a couple of robberies in the area. She vehemently denied the allegations, but didn’t resist. Thoroughly embarrassed, she looked at the manager and, through teary eyes, said she didn’t do it. As they placed her in the police cruiser, she spotted Boone hiding around a corner, laughing. It devastated her.

Fortunately, things turned out okay as the police found the actual thieves and let Sloan go. They even offered to tell the manager that it was all a mistake and that Sloan was innocent. She thanked them, got the job, and things were happy in her queendom again. But things could have turned out a lot differently. She would teach Boone a life lesson about consequences, a lesson he would never forget. It was her turn.

“Okay, you little punk. You took your shot and missed. Now I’m gonna show you how the game is played in the real world.”

She knew Boone was a worm who liked to listen in on other’s conversations. She’d use that to her advantage and make him the ultimate patsy.

Sloan and her friend Mike were going to have a fake conversation about a robbery they had planned. She made sure Boone knew where they were going to be by putting the word out that something big was going down. She knew he’d show up and try to listen in on their convo. Sloan and Mike started making fake plans to loot a house in Irondale. They made sure old Boone could hear the address and times they would be there.

They showed up at the house, went around to the back, and then doubled back around to hide across the street and watched as old Boone did his thing. As soon as he was inside, Sloan called the police and reported a robbery in progress. They showed up within minutes and took Boone into custody.

Sloan visited him up at Bibb after a few months. She gave him time to adjust to his new life and reflect on what he had done. And then she made sure he knew she had a lot of friends in there with him and it was time to make peace. She leaned in as close as she could and whispered.

“I can make your life intolerable, my friend. Don’t test me. I’m done playing games.”

Boone had suffered a patsy’s dilemma, and with it, had gone through yet another life reboot. Maybe

K.R. Eaton - The Patsy Dilemma

Short Stories by K.R Eaton